coming down....

OK... so today has not been a good day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, but today has been hideous.

I have spent the whole day with 'The Fear' ..... for those of you who don't know what it is, it is an uncontrollable knotty feeling of absolute dread, in the pit of your stomach. Your irrational thoughts are telling you that you are going to get hit by a bus, or that something awful is going to happen to yoru nearest and dearest :O( No matter how irrational it feels, you can't help but listen to it from time to time. SO that hasn't been good :O( The good thing is that I have been monitoring it all day, and telling myself why I feel like I do, and that it will pass.

I tried going out and about to distract myself for a while, which helped for a while. I treated myself to some new curtain fabric for my bedroom... nice and dark. I don't sleep too well, and the street lamp outside my window is driving me insane at nights.

I am persevering (sp?) with the 5-htp suppliment. Today hasn't been good, but I am aware that it could just be because my withdrawals are knocking up a gear as the meds leach out of my system. I have only taken them for 3 days anyway, so I doubt they'll be having much of an effect just yet.

I do feel so guilty though... I have been so short tempered with the kids. It's like I know what I am doing... and can see myself from outside of it all... but just can't seem to nip it in the bud :O(

I feel so sorry for my kids sometimes... they bear the brunt of it all, but each day, they get up and start afresh with me. Bless.

Feeling a bit icky this evening too... don't know if it is coincidence or what, but I hope it passes. I don't much fancy the idea of being up half the night throwing up :O(

Ahh well... lets hope that tomorrow is a better day... am doing my utmost to stay optimistic about it all.... I know I am doing the right thing as I was so low whilst taking the pills...

Just wish I had someone to snuggle up next to and hug though sometimes.... it's no fun going it alone almost all the time, but hey... what doesn't kill you and all that ...

Oh I did make a few halloween skulls yesterday though... so there is one little ray of sunshine :O)

Signing off for now.... night night... sleep well....

meds

OK... so maybe deciding to come off my Citalopram, un monitored, isn't the best decision in the world to make... but almost a week with no meds and I am still feeling (fairly) sane.

I just want to point out that this isn't a decision I took lightly...I was finding it hard to remember taking my pills, and after almost 6 months, I was still very down and having some very disturbing thoughts about myself.... lets just say that it proper scared me, and leave it at that.

I am still trying to stay chipper, and get the odd job about the house done. The side effects are a wee bit unsettling though.... dizziness... palpitations... my face keeps feeling a bit wierd and tingly, and I keep getting these really wacky (pardon my french) brain fucks... it's like the inside of my head jumps and shifts for a moment or two.... VERY odd !!!!

I have been recommended a dietry suppliment to take, to aid coming off meds and help me feel more balanced, it's called 5-HTP.... this is the stuff.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-Hydroxytryptophan ... so it is on order from ebay as I type.

I am still managing to be semi productive... although I've not yet made any beads, I sold a wizard the other night, and listed a couple more beads on Etsy... see my widget thingy :O)

I was utterly amazed yesterday.... a beacon of light in the stress filled days... my kids cleaned the kitchen and washed, dried and put away all the crocks and pots..... I could have hugged them forever !!!

I felt totally awful afterwards... but they don't seem to have been as badly behaved since the other day.... I had one of those parent breakdown moments when they were fighting over some lego.... I just suddenly started sobbing... just couldn't stop . I think it made them stop and think about their behaviour.. they have been pretty difficult lately.... boredom I suppose, but hey... I went for a soak in the bath, and they've been easier to deal with ever since.

Right... GLASS ! ..... I've not managed to make anything new for what feels like forever.... but the lovely Sam, of Beadysam Glass www.beadysamglass.com sent me some wonderful extras with my glass order ... it arrived this morning.... I ordered 100g of that new Multicolour from Riechenbach, and she also sent me a bundle of Chalcedony and a bundle of the Silver Brown too..... I am actually looking forward to lighting my torch up to experiment with these new clever colours !!!!

I've still not got my council tax paid... something I aim to put right before the end of today, and maybe I will also manage to produce 2 sets of beads. I really need to be more organised with things. Still a couple of days untill my week's deadline... lets see if I manage it :O)

Well it's a beautiful day today..... well it is here in stoke on trent, lol... I hope that you (whoever you may be) have a lovely friday :O)

Bye for now xxx

Goals

And no... I don't mean football .... horrid game !

I'm thinking life goals.... at this time in my life, I find mysef beginning to look for a more concrete direction in my life. I am 38 years old... my children are all growing up fast, and I find myself questioning whether my life (as it stands) is a good example to my children.

Yes, I am self employed now... something positive that I think most of us aspire to in some shape or form... but I find mysef questioning whether I am focussed enough in my new business.

I know what I want to do, mostly. I want to make pretty things out of glass.... sell them, and make people happy and smiley :O)

Life and business, unfortunatey, demands far more than just wanting to do something. And this is where I find myself thinking about goals, and setting them.

Is it a good idea to set them... to add focus to life, or are they detrimental to your emotional well being if you fail to achieve said goal ?? But then, having no real focus can also lead to dissappointment, as we don't know what to aim for, and end up failing about in the dark.

Well anyway.... I have, personally, found mysef doing lots of flailing about over the ast couple of years. I had no definate goals .... did'nt really have a plan. So I am thinking that this is going to have to change, in order to break a cycle that just seems to perpetuate itself.

Long / Medium / Short ???

My life has been so uttery chaotic and unpredictable since I was a child, in one way or another, so I still find the concept of making a long term plan almost impossibe to grasp. So I find it easier to think about shorter term goals at this point in life.

What do I want out of life ?? I still don't know really ?? I know that I want to be happy... I don't want to feel lonely ... I want the best for my children... I'd like for my business to be a success.

These are all quite lofty aspirations I suppose... but I think that in starting to make short term plans, then these might be more achievable.

So.... short term, at this point in my life is very short term. I have been slowly sinking in the mire of a very complicated life, and it's time I started pulling myself out ... litte by little.

I want to share a few short term goals with you... whoever you may be... and hope to be back with an update on progress next time. More importantly, I hope to be able to share how I feel about achieving the goals I have set.... or not....

Some tasks to get me started for this coming week... August 9th - 16th 2009.

• pay council tax
• assemble my new PC workstation
• make 1 finished piece of jewelery
• make 2 sets of beads

This blog post may seem like a long piece of rambling thought.... but that's exactly what it is... my thoughts... just thought out loud. It's easier for me to pick through them this way.

If you do read this blog, then please feel free to leave any comments, perspectives or tips.

I's a complicated business, is trying to unravel the way you live and approach life...

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts... whoever you may be.

Fingers crossed I come back next week with some good results :O)

(please excuse any missing 'L's ... they're not spelling mistakes, I have a dodgy L key :O)

A new project

Hiya.... I just thought I'd record something new I am trying, just for posterity.

Will I manage to finish them ?? Will they work out the way I hope ???

Who knows ???

Handbag and purse.... in VERY early stages ...

Oh... the first is a picture of a bracelet I sold the other day.... I just wanted to share it :O)

This is (I think) going to be a little bag for a child... or a little purse type thing :O)

And this is (hopefully) going to be my first proper bag. We shall see eh .....

Well the weather seems to have left us just lately, which is why I decided to try to make something with nice bright colours, that would hopefully raise a smile. I hope the finished articles have the desired effect !

I hope you all have a lovley weekend... whatever the weather !!

Bye

xx

Hmmmm

I think I'll watch Coraline again tonight... I was too tired to stay up and watch it all last night

Where to start after such a long time eh ??

To cut a very dull story short, I ended up having a wee bit of a crisis, just with life in general.
I think I just let everything get on top of me really.

Anyway... meds were prescribed..... I relapsed a few weeks back, and am just getting back on track with my medication at the moment.

One thing I have learned from all this is that pressure makes me ill, so I am going to have to try and tailor my life to deal with that.

I've taken to spending time in my little garden . It's so very therapeutic. I love to find all those little hidden away treasures in the garden.... a beautiful garden spider in it's web.... snails with those lovely stripey shells... odd looking little bugs, and finding plants emerging. I keep finding baby plants breaking through, and love waiting untill they grow to see what they might be.
Just hope they're not all weeds, LOL

There's also a really amusing pair of magpies that I see in the tree most mornings... they are always squawking at eachother and playing chase me !!

I've bought some lovely plants to put in the garden too, and it's slowly becoming the little oasis that I want.

I am eventually getting back on track with my work too. So many times, it seems, I make progress, then it seems to crumble away from me. But hey ho.... I just have to keep plodding away and hope that one day things will become stable once again.

I think that spending time in my garden has had quite an influence on the beads I have been making just lately... I suddenly seem to have the urge to make little bugs, toadstools, and such like ... I am really enjoying making less 'sensible' beads... they are so cheerful and colourful, so I am going to keep running with it, to see where it takes me.

Anyway.... I'm going to have to get some stuff done here, am expecting mum at the door to pick the kids up, so I'll just leave you with a few random photos of what's been going on in the flame born house...







There are new beads cooling in the kiln as I type... so we'll see what comes out later :O)

Oooohh.....

...... have I finally managed to networ this blog with Face Book ???

Very long time, no blog...... I shall try to be a bit more chatty .....