coming down....

OK... so today has not been a good day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, but today has been hideous.

I have spent the whole day with 'The Fear' ..... for those of you who don't know what it is, it is an uncontrollable knotty feeling of absolute dread, in the pit of your stomach. Your irrational thoughts are telling you that you are going to get hit by a bus, or that something awful is going to happen to yoru nearest and dearest :O( No matter how irrational it feels, you can't help but listen to it from time to time. SO that hasn't been good :O( The good thing is that I have been monitoring it all day, and telling myself why I feel like I do, and that it will pass.

I tried going out and about to distract myself for a while, which helped for a while. I treated myself to some new curtain fabric for my bedroom... nice and dark. I don't sleep too well, and the street lamp outside my window is driving me insane at nights.

I am persevering (sp?) with the 5-htp suppliment. Today hasn't been good, but I am aware that it could just be because my withdrawals are knocking up a gear as the meds leach out of my system. I have only taken them for 3 days anyway, so I doubt they'll be having much of an effect just yet.

I do feel so guilty though... I have been so short tempered with the kids. It's like I know what I am doing... and can see myself from outside of it all... but just can't seem to nip it in the bud :O(

I feel so sorry for my kids sometimes... they bear the brunt of it all, but each day, they get up and start afresh with me. Bless.

Feeling a bit icky this evening too... don't know if it is coincidence or what, but I hope it passes. I don't much fancy the idea of being up half the night throwing up :O(

Ahh well... lets hope that tomorrow is a better day... am doing my utmost to stay optimistic about it all.... I know I am doing the right thing as I was so low whilst taking the pills...

Just wish I had someone to snuggle up next to and hug though sometimes.... it's no fun going it alone almost all the time, but hey... what doesn't kill you and all that ...

Oh I did make a few halloween skulls yesterday though... so there is one little ray of sunshine :O)

Signing off for now.... night night... sleep well....