To blog or not to blog ??

I am so slack at blogging these days... I suppose the problem is choosing what to blog about really.... sometimes, when times are hard, it's good therapy to offload and write... and sometimes it's probably best to keep stuff to yourself... and when times are good, does one shout it from the roof tops at risk of getting egg in the face when it (usually) inevitably hits the fan ??

There are always beads to blog about I suppose, but then all it does is repeat what has usually been shown off and said on facebook anyway.... ahh well...

Soooo... what's been going on with me lately then ... hmmmmm.....

Well life is starting to look up for me at the moment.... I am feeling better in myself than I was last year... a LOT better, although there is still much work to be done there !

I can finally feel some enthusiasm creeping back in to my work... yep... amazingly, I was finding what appears to be a dream job to some people so very dull, pointless and tedious for quite some time, but I think that was more a symptom of how tired life had made me.

I still love making my critters and little vikings, but I am finding a renewed love for creating pretty organic style beads :)
I suppose I shyed away from making them as the bead market filled up with lots of new lampworkers and they became so very popular, I felt that I was getting lost in the crowd. This is not a slur on everyone else... I mean, once a lampworker discovers the beauty of silver leaf and ivory glass, there is no turning back.... and they're easy... I know ... I was just the same.

Now I feel it is time to go back to my roots a little, and I am really enjoying it :)

I'll never leave my puss cats though.... I adore making those little guys, but it's time to expand on them now :)

I am making more effort with jewellery too... I do so enjoy making finished jewellery, but rarely find the time or energy to make jewellery as well as beads, but I am working on that :)

So what's going on with me ?
Well the kids are all growing up and are good.... dysfunctional but good, hehe :)

Ben is now FINALLY starting to job hunt a little.
Sam is settled in High School now, and has found a new passion.... Warhammer 40k gaming :)
Pop is still Pop ! Fortunately she still appears relatively unnafected by the events of the last year or two, so I am grateful for that... so very grateful :)

I decided to get rid of my natural dreadlocks. I have returned to wearing synthetics instead as they are just so much fun to wear :)

I can't blog about how I am without mentioning the man in my life :)
We met in November last year and well... what can I say ? I am just so very happy :)
He has been an absolute rock and has gone more than the extra mile to be there for me.
I am 38.... my child bearing carreer is well and tryly behind me, and I have finally met Mr. Right... so you see girls and guys... no matter what your age... never give up the search for true love and companionship :)

All I shall say for now is that 2010 is chaping up to be the best year ever here :)

There you go then.... work and home... blogged.. sorted !

Oh and I burnt my damn hand on the oven yesterday... OUCH !

Well bye for now... speak soon... take care guys xXx

Oh yeh .... and what's the deal with the Vatican wanting to get it's pilfering hands on The Staffordshire Hoard ??? Don't they have enough wealth stashed in their vaults, kept away from us heathens ????
Grrr...........

Kicking 2009 in to touch .....

Well that was that eh .... another year done and dusted.

I don't understand all of this optimism that suddenly seems to spring out of nowhere, come December 31st ??

Yep... on the whole, 2009 has been yet another difficult year, both financially and emotionally, but hey... I'm still here... still breathing and functioning.... as are we all.

I am (as is everybody else), hoping for a much better run of things during 2010. If only it was as simple as rebooting and starting over with no crappy hangover, but it's not is it.

Another year of robbing Peter to pay Paul beckons... another year of wishing I had the time and energy to get the jobs done to the house, that REALLY do need attention.... another year of feeling inadequate for various reasons.... another start to the year with a (possible) court case revolving around a paedophile hanging over my head... hey ho.... here we go again eh.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to attempt to make changes in my life.... in fact, the exact opposite is true. I'm just not going to be daft enough to implement everything by tomorrow morning.

I won't use the word 'diet' any more, but I shall endeavour to change my eating habits and that of the kids. Eat more fresh fruit and veg... yadda yadda yadda.... hopefully some weight loss will occur naturally.

I AM going to stop smoking again.... I did it for about a year and a half last time, I CAN do it again. I know where the pit falls are this time too... the pit falls that lead me to start smoking again, that is. As soon as the doctor's surgery is back open, I am making an appointment with a smoking cessation bod, and use all the help that is on offer.

And then there's my business... Tackling the latter half of 2009 minus any anti-depressants has been so very difficult. The business has suffered. I am feeling better than I was back in the autumn... a lot better, so now it's time to start focussing on the business again. I had a great few weeks in the run up to Christmas, and I really need to keep the momentum going now.

I do intend to look at diversifying a little too.... quite how, I'm not sure yet, but I know that I want to spread my energies a little further than just glass... maybe I'll pick up with the textile stuff again and see what I can make from that... who knows ???

This blog doesn't sound like I am very happy, does it ? But rest assured I am... but that happiness is tempered with the knowledge that 2010 is going to be a VERY challenging year if I am to accomplish even half of what I want to.

And last, but by no means least, I do have to give a special mention to a very special guy. His outlook on life and the support he's given me over the last couple of months have been amazing.

He has made such a difference to my life in a very short space of time... so thank you xXx

And my friends.... where would I have been over the last 12 months if it wasn't for you guys propping me up ? I dread to think sometimes.... so again... thank you.

Maybe I'll get around to blogging again sometime soon, and maybe I won't.... those of you who do read this blog will know just how inconsistent I can be... the least I can do is try :O)

So here's to yet another year.... more highs... more lows.... no doubt more stresses too, but hey... I suppose the trick is to alter the way we view these things, and ultimately how we deal with them eh.

Signing off for the last time in 2009.... lets see what 2010 has to offer.... bring it on !

coming down....

OK... so today has not been a good day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, but today has been hideous.

I have spent the whole day with 'The Fear' ..... for those of you who don't know what it is, it is an uncontrollable knotty feeling of absolute dread, in the pit of your stomach. Your irrational thoughts are telling you that you are going to get hit by a bus, or that something awful is going to happen to yoru nearest and dearest :O( No matter how irrational it feels, you can't help but listen to it from time to time. SO that hasn't been good :O( The good thing is that I have been monitoring it all day, and telling myself why I feel like I do, and that it will pass.

I tried going out and about to distract myself for a while, which helped for a while. I treated myself to some new curtain fabric for my bedroom... nice and dark. I don't sleep too well, and the street lamp outside my window is driving me insane at nights.

I am persevering (sp?) with the 5-htp suppliment. Today hasn't been good, but I am aware that it could just be because my withdrawals are knocking up a gear as the meds leach out of my system. I have only taken them for 3 days anyway, so I doubt they'll be having much of an effect just yet.

I do feel so guilty though... I have been so short tempered with the kids. It's like I know what I am doing... and can see myself from outside of it all... but just can't seem to nip it in the bud :O(

I feel so sorry for my kids sometimes... they bear the brunt of it all, but each day, they get up and start afresh with me. Bless.

Feeling a bit icky this evening too... don't know if it is coincidence or what, but I hope it passes. I don't much fancy the idea of being up half the night throwing up :O(

Ahh well... lets hope that tomorrow is a better day... am doing my utmost to stay optimistic about it all.... I know I am doing the right thing as I was so low whilst taking the pills...

Just wish I had someone to snuggle up next to and hug though sometimes.... it's no fun going it alone almost all the time, but hey... what doesn't kill you and all that ...

Oh I did make a few halloween skulls yesterday though... so there is one little ray of sunshine :O)

Signing off for now.... night night... sleep well....

meds

OK... so maybe deciding to come off my Citalopram, un monitored, isn't the best decision in the world to make... but almost a week with no meds and I am still feeling (fairly) sane.

I just want to point out that this isn't a decision I took lightly...I was finding it hard to remember taking my pills, and after almost 6 months, I was still very down and having some very disturbing thoughts about myself.... lets just say that it proper scared me, and leave it at that.

I am still trying to stay chipper, and get the odd job about the house done. The side effects are a wee bit unsettling though.... dizziness... palpitations... my face keeps feeling a bit wierd and tingly, and I keep getting these really wacky (pardon my french) brain fucks... it's like the inside of my head jumps and shifts for a moment or two.... VERY odd !!!!

I have been recommended a dietry suppliment to take, to aid coming off meds and help me feel more balanced, it's called 5-HTP.... this is the stuff.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-Hydroxytryptophan ... so it is on order from ebay as I type.

I am still managing to be semi productive... although I've not yet made any beads, I sold a wizard the other night, and listed a couple more beads on Etsy... see my widget thingy :O)

I was utterly amazed yesterday.... a beacon of light in the stress filled days... my kids cleaned the kitchen and washed, dried and put away all the crocks and pots..... I could have hugged them forever !!!

I felt totally awful afterwards... but they don't seem to have been as badly behaved since the other day.... I had one of those parent breakdown moments when they were fighting over some lego.... I just suddenly started sobbing... just couldn't stop . I think it made them stop and think about their behaviour.. they have been pretty difficult lately.... boredom I suppose, but hey... I went for a soak in the bath, and they've been easier to deal with ever since.

Right... GLASS ! ..... I've not managed to make anything new for what feels like forever.... but the lovely Sam, of Beadysam Glass www.beadysamglass.com sent me some wonderful extras with my glass order ... it arrived this morning.... I ordered 100g of that new Multicolour from Riechenbach, and she also sent me a bundle of Chalcedony and a bundle of the Silver Brown too..... I am actually looking forward to lighting my torch up to experiment with these new clever colours !!!!

I've still not got my council tax paid... something I aim to put right before the end of today, and maybe I will also manage to produce 2 sets of beads. I really need to be more organised with things. Still a couple of days untill my week's deadline... lets see if I manage it :O)

Well it's a beautiful day today..... well it is here in stoke on trent, lol... I hope that you (whoever you may be) have a lovely friday :O)

Bye for now xxx

Goals

And no... I don't mean football .... horrid game !

I'm thinking life goals.... at this time in my life, I find mysef beginning to look for a more concrete direction in my life. I am 38 years old... my children are all growing up fast, and I find myself questioning whether my life (as it stands) is a good example to my children.

Yes, I am self employed now... something positive that I think most of us aspire to in some shape or form... but I find mysef questioning whether I am focussed enough in my new business.

I know what I want to do, mostly. I want to make pretty things out of glass.... sell them, and make people happy and smiley :O)

Life and business, unfortunatey, demands far more than just wanting to do something. And this is where I find myself thinking about goals, and setting them.

Is it a good idea to set them... to add focus to life, or are they detrimental to your emotional well being if you fail to achieve said goal ?? But then, having no real focus can also lead to dissappointment, as we don't know what to aim for, and end up failing about in the dark.

Well anyway.... I have, personally, found mysef doing lots of flailing about over the ast couple of years. I had no definate goals .... did'nt really have a plan. So I am thinking that this is going to have to change, in order to break a cycle that just seems to perpetuate itself.

Long / Medium / Short ???

My life has been so uttery chaotic and unpredictable since I was a child, in one way or another, so I still find the concept of making a long term plan almost impossibe to grasp. So I find it easier to think about shorter term goals at this point in life.

What do I want out of life ?? I still don't know really ?? I know that I want to be happy... I don't want to feel lonely ... I want the best for my children... I'd like for my business to be a success.

These are all quite lofty aspirations I suppose... but I think that in starting to make short term plans, then these might be more achievable.

So.... short term, at this point in my life is very short term. I have been slowly sinking in the mire of a very complicated life, and it's time I started pulling myself out ... litte by little.

I want to share a few short term goals with you... whoever you may be... and hope to be back with an update on progress next time. More importantly, I hope to be able to share how I feel about achieving the goals I have set.... or not....

Some tasks to get me started for this coming week... August 9th - 16th 2009.

• pay council tax
• assemble my new PC workstation
• make 1 finished piece of jewelery
• make 2 sets of beads

This blog post may seem like a long piece of rambling thought.... but that's exactly what it is... my thoughts... just thought out loud. It's easier for me to pick through them this way.

If you do read this blog, then please feel free to leave any comments, perspectives or tips.

I's a complicated business, is trying to unravel the way you live and approach life...

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts... whoever you may be.

Fingers crossed I come back next week with some good results :O)

(please excuse any missing 'L's ... they're not spelling mistakes, I have a dodgy L key :O)

A new project

Hiya.... I just thought I'd record something new I am trying, just for posterity.

Will I manage to finish them ?? Will they work out the way I hope ???

Who knows ???

Handbag and purse.... in VERY early stages ...

Oh... the first is a picture of a bracelet I sold the other day.... I just wanted to share it :O)

This is (I think) going to be a little bag for a child... or a little purse type thing :O)

And this is (hopefully) going to be my first proper bag. We shall see eh .....

Well the weather seems to have left us just lately, which is why I decided to try to make something with nice bright colours, that would hopefully raise a smile. I hope the finished articles have the desired effect !

I hope you all have a lovley weekend... whatever the weather !!

Bye

xx

Hmmmm

I think I'll watch Coraline again tonight... I was too tired to stay up and watch it all last night